Free Firewood

This is something that I think is pretty comedic. I used journal entries as the way to tell the story since I recently finished Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I wanted to experiment. Personally, I thought the piece was interesting and spawned simply by me driving passed a pile of free firewood and letting my fucked up mind do the rest.

Scott McInfusedDart

photo of woodpile
Photo by João Vítor Heinrichs on

Friday, October 4th, 2019

Work was shit as usual. I came in today and my boss had left my paycheck on my desk. I work 40 hours a week, and the most I can get is still like $13.50 an hour? I feel this way every week, but it’s been getting worse recently. To think that I went to college and I’m making less than if I became a plumber or roofer or something. Everyone who told me that I needed college when I was growing up is a fucking moron and I wouldn’t wish it on my enemies. What’s gonna happen if I need a new car or something? Then I’ll need to get a second job just to make enough money to go to the first job that I already hate. I constantly feel exhausted and nothing seems to make it any better. I thought I’d try journaling, but I know no one’s going to read this, and I don’t feel any better about anything. I’ll try again tomorrow and see if it’s any different.

Saturday, October 5th, 2019

Today wasn’t as bad since I didn’t have to work, but I still didn’t do anything that mattered. I sat on my ass all day and watched episodes of shows that I’ve already seen and don’t care about at all. The characters are the same and the shenanigans are the same too. For dinner, I had a frozen pizza that wasn’t so bad, but I know I should have eaten more. I skipped breakfast and lunch for no reason other than that I was feeling lazy and didn’t wanna get up. I should drink more water. Maybe that’ll give me more energy. I should eat some vegetables too.

Monday, October 6th, 2019

I forgot to do the journal yesterday, but I promise you (as if anyone’s going to read this) that nothing noteworthy happened. I just did the same thing as Saturday; I sat down and watched shitty TV shows and felt bad for myself.

Today at work was no different. My boss, Madeline, called me out for not hitting my quota again. I’m so sick of that cunt breathing down my neck. I’d hate to be her husband or kids, because I’m sure none of them have experienced fun in a long time. Sometimes I think about what it would feel like to get promoted to her position. Being a manager wouldn’t be fun, but at least my pay wouldn’t rely totally on commission. I’d get a dog or something and then I’d enjoy being in my apartment a little bit more. I’d rather have a dog that pisses all over the furniture than spend another minute alone at home. I think it’d be fun to drive home and have a dog waiting at the door for me, excited to have me back. I’d train it to not pee on the carpet, but I wouldn’t get mad if it did. It would give me some responsibility that isn’t totally reliant upon sales or my stupid job.

Tuesday, October 7th, 2019

I hate my job. One of my coworkers made a $60,000 sale while I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel with the terrible leads they gave me. Madeline has to understand what kind of pressure she’s putting on me. I was fucked the second I started working at the Gazette. Who the fuck buys newspapers anymore anyway? Not only that, why would a small business want to advertise in the paper? The only ones that do are the ones that will be replaced by another business in a few years or the ones that have so much extra capital that they throw money away like trash. I can’t even touch those clients because other people already have them. When I started the territory that I was assigned had been picked over since the last guy left, that meant I had a shitty hand already and there’s only so much that I can do about it. My coworkers annoy me to no end also. One of my female coworkers called a client, and then, after they picked up, they started eating an apple straight into the headset. That’s one of the most unprofessional things I’ve ever seen. Granted, this is the same woman who said that my other coworker was a scumbag because he helps his daughters sell Girl Scout cookies, furthering the obesity epidemic in America. She’s such a stupid fucking bitch.

Wednesday, October 8th, 2019

When I left work today, I noticed a pile of wood outside of some business that said “free firewood” on a sign next to it. I think it’d be nice to have a fire at my apartment. Maybe it would help me get out of my head a little bit and relax with the sweet sounds of crackling wood. Tomorrow I’ll stop by and see if it’s still there.

I’ve been thinking about getting a dog a lot more than usual. Maybe I’ll get one of those soon too. I’ve always loved dachshunds, so maybe I’ll get a girl and call her Tabbie; I’ve always loved that name for a dog. I know the name will probably change after I meet it, but it’s still a cute name.

The journal isn’t helping very much, but it’s something that keeps my mind away from work for a little bit, so it’s not all bad, even though it’s time-consuming.

Thursday, October 9th, 2019

None of the firewood had been taken when I stopped there after work. No one was around when I picked it up. I just showed up, grabbed the wood and left. There weren’t even any camera’s around, even though it was right in front of some store. That’s the kind of place that’ll end up getting robbed at some point.

I stopped at the humane society today and looked at dogs. They didn’t have any dogs that seemed friendly enough so instead I played with one of their cats for an hour or so. He was cute and I might get him. I was hoping for a dog because I wanted it to care for me and make me feel wanted, but maybe letting a little cat curl up on my lap would be good enough.

Friday, October 10, 2019

I got the cat. He’s really fuzzy and his fur is a mix of black, white and gray. I named him Harker, since Dracula is one of my favorite books of all time. The name seems to fit him well and I think he likes it. I got him a few cans of soft food and a bag of hard food to see what he likes more. He’s a little older (the humane society guessed about four-years-old) and it’s fun to walk around my apartment and introduce him to everything. I tried to call him onto my lap while I was eating and watching TV, but he wouldn’t come. He just laid in front of the fireplace which I had thrown the logs into so that I didn’t have to turn my heaters on yet.

Work sucked as usual. Madeline is still trying to get me to use the old methods of selling by basically harassing a customer, but that’s not my style. I like to see if I can actually help them instead of just stealing their money and giving them a shitty product that doesn’t work.

Saturday, October 11, 2019

My alarm woke me up right at 7:00 AM and I drove straight to the pet store down the street. I wanted to let Harker feel a little more comfortable at home, so I got a cat tower. It wasn’t super tall, but it was a start. It’s the first decoration that I’ve put up since I moved here in March and it lit the place up a bit.

He still seems to love the fireplace, even when there isn’t a fire roaring, so on Monday I’ll grab some more wood. Sometimes Harker let’s me rub his belly which happened way earlier than I expected it too. He doesn’t even do what my parents’ old cat, Ruby, would do, which was claw you after a few seconds of petting.

Sunday, October 12th, 2019

I don’t have much to write today. Harker seems to like the wet food that I got him more than the dry, but all he really does is lick off the broth and walk away. He’s started to claw the carpet, but I don’t mind as much as I thought I would. I already love him. I’m nervous to leave him alone to go to work though. I don’t want him to get lonely.

Monday, October 13th, 2019

Going to work this morning was hard since I didn’t wanna leave Harker, but I did it anyway. Madeline was waiting at my desk when I walked in and she called me into her office to ream me for my performance again. I wonder if she gets as tired from saying it as I do hearing it. I doubt it though. She’s a bitch and probably flicks her bean to the thought of ruining someone’s day. Part of me hopes that I get fired so that I can spend more time with Harker, but I need the money.

I stopped to grab more firewood before going home. When I lit the fire, Harker rolled over and let me pet his belly. We sat together and watched TV. He’s such a nice cat. I can’t believe it took me so long to get one.

Wednesday, October 15th, 2019

I forgot to do the journal again yesterday. All that happened was Madeline riding my ass again. Sometimes I wish I could just hit her in the face with a brick and walk out, but I suppose I shouldn’t burn the one bridge that I have. Then again, with how she treats me, I’m sure any recommendation that she’d give me wouldn’t be worth it anyway.

Harker was happy when I brought him more firewood today. There isn’t a lot left in front of the shop. It’s mostly some pallets that I’ve been avoiding because I don’t want to break them down. I might just buy some logs from the store or something. As for Harker though, he was spending time at the top of the cat tower (which I built yesterday) and looking over his land like Simba. I played that one song from Lion King and watched as he scanned his domain. It was like he was the king of my apartment, and at this point he kind of is.

Thursday, October 16th, 2019

Something weird happened today when I was driving home from work. Maybe it was because Madeline used her day to belittle me again, or maybe it was something else, but regardless, it was a bit weird. As I drove passed the pallets, I had the idea to lay a trap inside of it, so that whomever is unlucky enough to lift a specific pallet, a poison dart would shoot out at them and they’d die. It scared me to think that way, but at the same time, it was soothing to think about such a quick, unattached way for someone to die. It didn’t matter if they had a family or anything, it wouldn’t be targeted, it would just happen. If I got lucky, Madeline could be the one that lifts the pallet. But if I really wanted to wish harm on her, I wouldn’t take any chances. I’d be sure to do it right the first time.

On a different, more positive note, Harker laid on my lap today instead of in front of the fireplace. I think he’s starting to warm up to me (I didn’t mean to write the pun, but I’m glad it happened) and maybe soon he’ll sleep with me. As long as he doesn’t try to lay on my chest, I’d be fine. I just think I’d struggle to breathe if he laid there. Damn asthma and allergies.

Friday, October 17th, 2019

I got another paycheck today and it was a piddly as the rest. It’s criminal that I get paid that little for the amount of work I do for the Gazette. It’s like they don’t care about me, or any of their employees, at all. Madeline called me into her office and said again that I needed to up my numbers. I nodded my head understandably, but I didn’t listen to a damn word she said. I’d love to see her try to sell this shit. I’d rather work for an MLM selling my friends shitty hair products that will probably make them go blind, bald and deaf.

Harker is my only real ray of sunshine anymore. Now that we’re getting further into October, the days are shorter, and the sun seems to set at around 2:00 PM. When I drive home, I have a queer smile on my face, just thinking about rubbing Harker’s belly.

When I passed the pallets, I saw that none of them had moved and the same unpleasant thought that entered my head before came back. It would be easy to rig a pressure sensor to a dart gun that shoots a poison-tipped dart fast enough to pierce someone’s skin if they lift the top pallet. There aren’t camera’s there so as long as I did it when it was dark out, I’d be fine. Harker’s rubbing against my leg so I’m going to stop writing this for the night. We’re gonna watch Lion King together.

Saturday, October 18th, 2019

Harker seemed a little bored today, so I went to the store to grab a few things. I bought toys, treats and a little mouse thing that can hold treats inside. If he hits it in the right way, he’ll be rewarded by one of the treats inside. He played with all of them and after I was done harassing him with the catnip, we watched another movie, this time Madagascar. I like showing him big cats even though I know they’re just kid’s movies.

While I was at the store, I grabbed the tools to make the contraption that I was writing about yesterday. It shouldn’t take me too long to put it together. Google is one hell of a resource. All I had to do was look up how to make a pressure sensor and then it was basically done. As for the dart gun, I bought one dart, a tube and a tiny air cannon. The idea is that when the pressure is lifted from the pressure pad, the dart will fire into who lifted it. Instead of poison (since I didn’t know how to get it) I barbed the tip of the dart with a knife and dipped it into stuff that people are allergic to, such as peanut butter, cats and some other stuff that I had lying around the house.

Sunday, October 19th, 2019

Sunday must be my lazy day, because I never know what to write. I played with Harker all day and that was about it. Besides that, I finished up my little contraption and tested it. The dart poked a hole in my wall, but I’m sure no one would notice when it came time for me to move out.

Monday, October 20th, 2019

The second I walked into the office Madeline was already yelling, not just at me, but at everyone. “Our numbers are down,” she’d say while pacing back and forth. “Corporate is going to be furious!” Everyone trembled at the same time, but I’d been yelled at so much more that I wasn’t fazed. I just sat at my desk and doodled. I’ll probably quit soon, so what’s the point at trying to make sales anyway? Morally, I find it strange to sell people stuff that they don’t need or want for a company that doesn’t care about its employees.

I drove home after a long day of doing nothing at work and fed Harker his wet food. He laid with me until about 11:00 PM which is when I drove out to the wooden pallets. One must have been taken over the weekend, because there seemed to be one less. I lifted the top pallet and set it on the sensor, placing the dart gun right where it needed to be so that it would fire into whoever picked up the next pallet. I went home and fell asleep calmly.

Tuesday, October 21st, 2019

No news about the pallet yet. I went to work but left early to spend time with Harker. He’s such a good cat and makes me feel better. I like when he wags his tail and I kinda push it back and forth. It’s kind of hypnotizing in a way that relaxes me. I’m already feeling tired and it’s only 7:00 PM. I’ll just go to bed now.

Wednesday, October 22nd, 2019

Still no news about the pallets. Madeline was just as bitchy as usual today and I heard her arguing with someone over the phone in her office. I think she’s getting yelled at by corporate. I wouldn’t be surprised if layoffs started happening at this place soon. Everyone knows it’s coming, it’s just a matter of who and when. It’ll probably be me since I have some of the lowest sales numbers, and I welcome it. Working here is driving me insane. It seems so strange to me that it’s okay for a person to go to work and hate it for almost nine total hours and then spend five at home enjoying themselves, then sleeping for eight hours, and that’s their whole life. I’m just glad I got Harker when I did. He makes me happier every morning when I wake up next to him and every night when he crawls up next to my thigh.

Thursday, October 23rd, 2019

This morning I woke up to the news which was talking about a “local terrorist” or something like that. I sat through the segment, running a little bit late for work because of it. No one seemed to have any idea why anyone would do it and insisted that “Mr. Boyle was just in the wrong place at the wrong time”, and that “his peanut allergy was the thing that finally killed him.” Harker was rubbing against my leg the entire time, so I picked him up and I rubbed his head until his purrs made the chair vibrate.

I went into work to everyone talking about what had happened, but that conversation was ended quickly when Madeline came out of her office and started screaming again.

I Burnt My Penis in the Shower

Sometimes I write funny stuff, too.

Scott McHilarious

I burnt my penis in the shower.

Scalding hot water touched the tip and I could do nothing but cower.

I stepped back from the stream and the steam cleared, showing the gleam

Of my rose red penis head looking bright as the actual flower.

I cried and I screamed and my happy emotions were overpowered,

My shriveled dong looking like a baby’s hand that had soaked in water for hours.

I grabbed a towel and cleaned my dowel, the feeling still foul

My mushroom cap looked like it had been cooked to be devoured.

As time passed, the feeling changed from a painful burning to something much more sour.

I iced the circumcised cucumber for a while, the pain vanished like Europe from the Mayflower.

I laid back in bed, wondering if it was all in my head or if the pain was really in my head.

I can’t believe I burnt my penis in the shower.

nature grass mushrooms amanita
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