I never knew what I would be thinking when I got here. I always assumed it would have been something about my friends and family. Don’t get me wrong there is definitely some of that but not as much as I expected.
As I stand here, I think about how my family will feel once I’m gone. I think about the burden that they have been left with and how they will think about it everyday. I don’t know if they will ever get over it, but I don’t much care about that anymore. I’m just thinking of myself. Maybe it’s selfish but it doesn’t matter what others think when I’m gone.
The only other thing that keeps running through my mind is a scene from the Shawshank Redemption. That scene where the words “Brooks was here” are scratched into the rafters and he starts to rock his chair back and forth until it collapses beneath him. I always thought Brooks was a coward, but I get it now. He made the only decision that made any sense to him and all I can do is respect it.
I was curious as to why he chose the route that he did. Why he chose the rafters and not a bridge or a weapon. It’s not really a choice, but rather, something forced on you by your mind. I never knew I’d choose it either but I did and it feels calming.
But now I’m done having these days thoughts. I will follow the path that Brooks had. Rock to the left then right. Rock to the left then right. Rock to the left then –